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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27399778">the whys and hows</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/boking/pseuds/boking'>boking</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, M/M, OiKuro Week, Post-Break Up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 20:55:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,592</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27399778</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/boking/pseuds/boking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>oikawa when-i-love-i-love-hard tooru and his take on the whys and the maybes of his failed relationship with kuroo tetsurou</p><p>inspired by "if you're going to hit it, hit it until it breaks"</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kuroo Tetsurou/Oikawa Tooru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the whys and hows</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Shall we start now, Oikawa?"</p><p>The said man lifts his head and offers a small smile. "From where, exactly, do I start with this? When all I know is him and nothing else?"</p><p>"Tell me where it went wrong."</p><p>***</p><p>
  <em>I think, somewhere, I lacked at giving something. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Or maybe I was too much? Yeah, I think I was. He told me he felt trapped and that I drove him out of our love. And that's the thing, eh, because you're so sure about your love. You're so sure that this is the person you'd spend your whole life with. To the point that you give everything to him. Until the last breath and all the romantic shit the movies feed us. But it's not what happened. It wasn't the reality to live. At least to us. When I love, I love hard. I am quite aware of that. So when I show you just how much I do, it means that I'm serious and sure. It means I choose you.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm not blaming him, though. It was my fault, I admit. I loved too much that he felt controlled by it. I loved too much until he got sick of it.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>...But even then he was the one. And he still is.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>Sometimes, late at night, when I come home from work, I think about it. It doesn't help that I still live in our old apartment. I think about the what-ifs, the could-have-beens, and the maybes. That maybe, if I weren't as controlling and paranoid, I'd still come home to him, eat the dinner he has meticulously cooked before I could come home, joke around, and poke fun at his bedhead. Maybe kiss him good night...he has always asked from me those things. I could still hear that lazy drawl of his voice and on rough days where I long for him to come home, I ground myself and force to recall the memories of us and I could see that handsome smile painted on his lips. Could I have been crazy all this time?</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>And then I remember our fight. You know, the one that ended things. Ended us. And I realize that I am alive. That I'm not crazy and have been making all these things up. Because how could someone be crazy and have this overwhelming feeling of anger and frustration directed at one person? How could I think that I'm crazy for making this situation in my head when Tetsurou is shouting at me, yelling at me curses and words I know won't heal by morning? I couldn't be crazy. Not when I know that Tetsurou called for me that time, cradled my face, and kissed me goodbye. Not when I went down on my knees and begged for him to stay with me, that this could still be fixed, that we could still be fixed if he'd stay.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>I regret it at times. Not Tetsurou, no. I could never regret my decision to be with him. The fight. I was foolish to take the bait and he was mad enough to want to break up. But there are also some nights I wake up with sweat on my back and tears on my face. Some nights where I thank myself for fighting with him that day. Some nights I get eaten by guilt for straying too far. Some nights where I force myself to think that this happened because I am alive. And that my Tetsurou, no matter how far he is, is here in this lifetime.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>Because it made me understand where I went wrong. Where I lacked and where I overstepped. Gave me perspective, actually.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>My friends keep asking me that if he really were the one, then why did he give up? Why did he let me go? I chose him, but why did he not choose me in the end? And I thought about it. Maybe it was fate telling me that from the start, it was destined to end. That maybe there's nothing wrong with how I love, just something wrong to whom I am giving it.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>But, no. Tetsurou...I am sure of him. The way the wind blows and the ocean flows, that is how I know. My Tetsurou...Tetsurou...He promised me he'd come back. My baby promised me that. That's how I know I'm sure. And when he comes back, I'll love him right. I'll love him the way an anchor grounds a ship, steady and strong no matter how harsh the waves are. I'll love him enough and more than that, and he will stay this time. Because my Tetsurou loves me as I love him.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>The time away from him made me realize that there's something more than going to the ends of the world to prove my love for him. That being here, with him, is enough. So next time, when we meet, I'll be better. I'll be his anchor that will remind him that no matter how strong the waves are, I'll hold him close. I will love him the way he wants to be loved.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>And if he asks from me to be freed again, then I will give in. But this time, I won't let him get too far. This time, I won't lose him. This time, he will choose me.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>Because Tetsurou promised me. He and I will meet halfway, where the ocean meets the sea, where the waters have become shallow, and he will hold my hand close to his heart where I can feel his love for me. And with that alone, I will wait for him. In this lifetime or in the next, my soul will meet Tetsurou and when we do, we will be happy.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>I will know better and we will love each other right.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>So until we meet again, I will wait for you, Tetsurou. I hope you look at the stars and think of me too. Because God knows I will.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>I am so in love with you, my baby. My heart hurts and I get this sudden ache all over my chest when I think of you somewhere in a place I am not. I long for you, Tetsurou, because the stars have not been kind to our love and the seas have conspired against our story. I pray for your touch that it will reach me and I pray for your kisses to be felt by me.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>Not a day comes by I do not. I seethe with anger and I curse the universe for I know that there is a chance that in this lifetime, I may not meet you again. And that by the next life where fate will be kind and allow us to meet, it will be too late for us to start again. I am a man of few fears, Tetsurou, but my greatest fear would have to be losing you against the chances of the universe. I fear I may not see you. I fear I may not get to love you again.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>So give me this and let me hold onto this.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>If anger and frustration is the only thing I'll remember you by, then so be it. As long as I get a fragment of you burned through my skull, then I will be selfish and keep you this way.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>Where are you now, Tetsurou? Are you happy in another man's arms? Does he enjoy that permanent lazy drawl of your voice or does he find it annoying? Does he attempt to comb that monstrosity sitting on your head or am I still the only one allowed to love it without any kind of pretense?</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>I can't wait to see you again, my love. When the stars align for us and where the water meets the shore, I will wait for you.</em>
  <br/>
  <br/>
  <em>Come home to me, Tetsurou.</em>
</p><p>***</p><p>The sound of a buffering screen charges the air around the dark-lit apartment. Smoke from a cigarette wraps the body of a tall man sitting by the couch, a small, lazy smile painted across an equally handsome face.</p><p>Moonlight invades the lonely room and melancholy permeates the air, choking the man in ways he thought are not possible anymore. He should be used to it, though. He was so used to fighting against it. Years of battling the currents and standing against strong winds should make this suffocating loneliness be nothing but a mere distraction, a child's play, really, and nothing but a test of faith and strength.</p><p>Yet this time, he embraces it. Instead of opening the window, he allows himself to feel, drown, and float. The waves have always been rough to him, but when the sunlight will break, he will choose to sail into a new morning. Into a new world where he chooses himself and fights for himself, instead of for someone who is hung up on the idea of love and its dramatics. Into a new life where contentment is a truth and not an experiment that would result to heartbreak. </p><p>
  <em>"When you get tired of touring the world the same way I foolishly was when you're here all along, you'll come back to me, though, Tetsurou?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He should've known by then, that no matter where his feet takes him, he'd always come around. But when the waves get too harsh and there is no way to get to shore, he will trust the stars to take him back home.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"If the universe allows, Tooru. I'll come back to you."</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this was supposed to be an entry for oikuroo week but i let it sit on my notes for some time. and hey, it's haikyuu angst week so why not? XDDD</p></blockquote></div></div>
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